Codependency

What is Codependency?
Codependency is an unhealthy relationship based on an addiction to connection with another person.  It often appears to be extreme selflessness and obsession with the health and well-being of another to the detriment of oneself.  The most common codependent relationship is between parent and child.

Why is it a Problem?
Codependent parents are generally obsessive and over-protective, keeping their children from having normal relationships and life experiences.  Children with a codependent parent often do not have the experiences necessary to help them become successful, independent adults.  A codependent relationship between parent and child frequently damages other relationships, including that of the parents with one another, as well as the non-codependent parent and the child.

Types of Codependent Parent-Child Relationships:

1. Controlling Parent - This is the parent who wants to control all aspects of his/her child's life, such as clothing, activities and friends.  He/she will assist the child in activities that the child should be able to complete themselves.  He/she will also use manipulation tactics such as nagging, yelling, etc. to get his/her way.  This parent never admits to being wrong or apologizes.
2. Parent that has a fear of rejection - This parent fears their child will reject him/her and so rarely establishes rules or holds the child to them.  He/she has a difficult time telling a child 'no' and sticking to it.  Also, He/she rarely disciplines the child and tries to be more of a friend than a parent.  If the child is unhappy, this parent can not be happy.

Signs you are a Codependent Parent: 

1. You use guilt in order to get your children to do what you want them to do. (Controlling)
2. Your children accuse you of never listening. (Controlling)
3. You prefer to choose your child's activities, friends, etc. (Controlling)
4. You never admit to being wrong and rarely apologize. (Controlling)
5. You live vicariously through your children by pushing them to do things you wanted to do that they are not really interested in doing. (Controlling)
6. You manipulate situations that don't go your way by yelling, crying, silent treatment, etc. (Controlling)
7. Your significant other complains about how much attention the children receive. (Controlling and Fear of Rejection)
8. You assist your children with tasks that they can easily do themselves and often put their health and well-being above your own. (Controlling and Fear of Rejection)
9. You fear rejection from your children to the point that you are afraid to tell them 'no' or set boundaries. (Fear of Rejection)
10. You feel responsible for your children's feelings and can only be happy when they are happy. (Fear of Rejection)

How to Stop your Codependent Tendencies:

1. The most important thing that you can do to stop being codependent is to recognize and admit that you are codependent.
2. Learn all you can about codependency and recognize the signs in yourself.
3. Once you begin to recognize the signs of codependency in yourself, you can work on changing those thoughts or actions for healthy ones. A list of examples follows.

Examples of Codependent vs. Healthy Thinking:

Codependent Thinking	Healthy Thinking
If I can get my child to change xyz, his/her life will be better.	I can only change myself.
If I can control this situation for my child, it will work out for the best.	I can only control myself.
My child isn't happy, so I can't be happy.	My happiness does not depend on anyone else's.
I'm going to do this for my child so that it is done right or faster.	It would be better if my child did this for him/herself, even if it isn't perfect so that he/she can learn from the experience.
I have to say yes or my child will hate me.	It's okay to say no for the benefit of my child.
My child won't do anything unless I nag/yell/cry/etc.	It is okay to let my child make his/her own choices and mistakes so that he/she can learn from them.
I'm keeping my child safe by protecting him/her from the consequences of his/her mistakes.	My child needs to learn from his/her mistakes by accepting and experiencing the consequences.
I'm keeping my child safe by not allowing them to participate in xyz or be away from me.	I need to recognize that even though there is a small chance my child will be injured, etc. it is good for them to participate in activities or be away from me occasionally.
I'm running myself ragged for my child but it is worth it to give them the best.	I'm no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself.
I know I said my child couldn't do xyz but I don't want to raise a fuss even though they didn't listen.	Setting rules, establishing boundaries, and having my child follow them is important so that they learn to do so when they become an adult.
My child doesn't want to do xyz but I know that they will love it because it is something I always wanted to do.	It is okay that my child has different interests than I do.
Admitting I'm wrong or apologizing will show that I am weak.	Admitting I'm wrong or apologizing will show that everyone makes mistakes and teach my child how to properly react when the need arises.

Sources: WeHaveKids, PsychologyToday, BigElephant, BetterHelp